it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
foreskin is a definite game changer
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
