Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
