***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
