My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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