I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
