Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
