3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
