i'm lost and i look like a hooker
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
