I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
