I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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