this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
