i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
