Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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