I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
