Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
