I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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