You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
