Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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