Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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