i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
