I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
