literally had 100 drinks last night.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
