I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
