I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
