i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
