just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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