Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
