found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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