We tried having a conversation with our noses.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
