Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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