I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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