he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
