i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
