A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
