i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Randomize
