I like my sex mixed with concussions.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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