I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
