I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
