I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
