OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
