She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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