i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I have aggressive nipples.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
