and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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