i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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