I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
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