Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
