I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
