The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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