3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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