i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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