Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
