im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
